Generous gifts for the girls

In July 2004, I had my first appointment with a reproductive specialist to help us figure out why we weren't getting pregnant. One of the things I was told was that I had elevated prolactin levels. So off to Dr. Google I went... in search of learning anything I could about it. I stumbled across a forum of message boards for women who were in all the various phases of their fertility, from trying to get pregnant, to being pregnant, and those suffering from infertility. I quickly joined to be able to share my journey with others in my shoes. It was probably the best thing I have ever done. Seriously.

Over the past five and a half years, I have become "internet friends" with so many women from all across the world. I have met two women in person, talked to several others on the phone, emailed many, and sent and received things in the mail with so many others. Countless women have provided me support in my lowest moments, from failed IVF cycles, to losing my son. They've cheered me on through my cycles, through my pregnancies, and all the waiting that has entailed. "Waiting" can do a real number on your psyche, by the way. Waiting to ovulate, waiting to test, waiting for an ultrasound, waiting for birth. And waiting to try again, when you feel all hope has been lost.

Some of these women became pregnant about the time I did, or had their babies while I was pregnant with Thomas. They were so excited for me, because you are always so thrilled when someone who has been suffering from infertility for five years finally gets to see their first positive pregnancy test! My biggest supporters were women who also had been suffering from infertility. But when Thomas' birth defect was diagnosed, I know that it wasn't just me and my family that was crushed. These women on the internet were, too. And after he died, the number of condolences that poured in was pretty amazing. They had been there with me through every step that Thomas made in my life. And to lose him was like losing a member of an extended family.

So ever since I became pregnant with these two girls, I've had my hand held online. The support, the prayers, the good thoughts -- they have been constant. These women want happiness visited upon my household like nothing they have ever wished for. It is truly humbling.

This fall, I got a message from one of the ladies who got pregnant with her daughter a month before I did with Thomas. We supported each other through all of our symptoms, the good stuff and the bad, in a small pregnancy forum. Shelia almost lost her baby too early, and if her opening cervix hadn't been caught on that particular day, her daughter would have been born too early to live. She went on hospital bedrest and did not have an easy pregnancy. Her daughter was born two months early, and spent quite some time in the NICU. So Shelia understood what it was like for us to be at the hospital each day visiting Thomas. And when we lost our son, she knew it echoed the fears she had of losing her daughter.

The message Shelia sent me was that she was planning to visit the Kansas City area with her husband and daughter in December, and would like to meet up. This would be the third time we would try to get together, so we were excited about it. Then she asked if she could give me some of her daughter's things. She said she had all of her six months clothing that she had grown out of, would I be interested? I said, of course! I also felt that maybe it would make this pregnancy seem more real to me, to be actually handling little girl clothes.

On December 9, a very snowy day here, I met Shelia, Bert, and Amanda at a local restaurant for lunch. Bert had driven their truck up from Florida that previous weekend, while Shelia and her daughter flew in. Weather-wise, they could have had a better week as it was brutally cold and very snowy! But they were here to visit their families before the holidays, and nothing could dampen their spirits. Amanda was a really delightful child, so well-behaved, and quite clearly the joy of her parents. Quite coincidentally, she was wearing a butterfly-printed shirt!

After lunch, Bert proceeded to carry over to my truck item after item! First it was useful things like a walker, jumperoo, and excersaucer! Then it was boxes and bags of clothing! Shelia had also thrown in some nine month clothing that Amanda had grown out of since the early fall. I was stunned by the seating things and all the containers.

We hugged each other farewell, then headed off in our own directions. As soon as I was home, I brought in each item and set them carefully in the living room. Tim was on a business trip, and I wanted to photograph the stuff to email him. I started laying out all the clothes in different piles: onesies, sleepers, dresses, pants, shorts, etc. There were sneakers and socks. And so many cute little two-piece outfits. And tons and tons of blankets and embellished burp cloths. I was so amazed and overwhelmed. I set up the seating items and felt so grateful for their generousity! Everything was practically new. (You can click on the images to enlarge.)


When I had talked with Shelia, she admitted that she just had felt so touched by our experience with Thomas, that she had been wanting to help in any way she could. Well I can tell you, I don't think we need any more six month clothing!! You can tell Amanda is quite as well loved as our Thomas was!

I did take quite a few close-up photos, but here is one of the couch with everything in their piles:

Two days later, a package arrived in the mail for me. This was from my friend Christina, one of my oldest friends on the forum. She has posted many times on Thomas' CarePages, and is the one who named a star for Thomas, after he died. Christina was expecting twin girls, due on April 6th (!) when I finally got my positive pregnancy test with Thomas. I was the last girl in our little group to get pregnant. What a relief it was! Her babies were born within days of my test.

Christina wanted to send me some clothing for our girls. She remembered the early days of life with twins! She suggested sending onesies and sleepers, the things infants basically live in when first born. So I said, yes, please! But I didn't want her to send too much. She had already given away most of the clothes, yet was able to send some cute dresses which (remarkably) match pretty closely some of the dresses that Shelia had sent. So it will be nice to have similar clothes to dress the girls in from time to time. One of the dresses is covered in beautiful pastel butterflies! I think it is my favorite item! Most useful of all, though, were the sleeper gowns and onesies in newborn to three month sizes.


After Tim returned home and saw all the beautiful (and very pink!) clothes, I sorted them into boxes for later months, and took the smaller items, newborn or 0 months to 3 months, and placed them in the armoire and dresser in the nursery. I even sorted Thomas' clothes, and stored them with the others, or kept them in the nursery, depending on their size. Although I washed some items, I will wait until March to wash everything the way you are supposed to for babies.

So if you ever come over to visit, be sure to ask to see the babies' clothes! It can be fun to see them hanging in the armoire or folded up in the drawers.

Next post: Christmas gifts for the girls!

Fetal Echocardiogram results

Tim and I went in to the OB's office today for the girls' fetal echocardiogram with Dr. Rajan, who did Thomas' echos. It started out pretty much as before, but the big difference was that everything was normal, so the pediatric cardiologist did not scan me himself, he just relied on the tapes the ultrasound technician had made during her scan. And the OB did not come in to do further scanning, either.

Dr. Rajan showed us the normal heart diagram and as we went through the tapes, he'd point out how nice and perfect each part of the heart was. So now we have that over with, and it confirms what the anatomy scans have shown so far. This has all been great news. He didn't remember Thomas, of course, as we never did talk with him after Thomas was born.

There were moments during the scan that Tim and I felt sad. For Tim, it was during the talk of Thomas, as I described the different heart defects he had been born with. For me, it was seeing the perfect hearts and wishing it had been that way with Thomas.

So after Dr. Rajan left, I requested that the technician scan my cervix to make sure it wasn't changing after all the Braxton Hicks I've been having this week. She confirmed it with Dr. Lu, and checked it for me, to reassure me. It was still a nice long 6.09 cm long, or a half mile long as my nurse practioner Lynne put it! That was great news!

They also measured both girls to see how they were growing. Baby A is measuring two weeks ahead, at 26 weeks and 3 days. She has very long limbs, compared to her sister. Baby B is measuring 25 weeks and 1 day, which is one week ahead. Since they are fraternal twins, this is normal. Baby A weighs 1 lb. 14 oz., and Baby B weighs 1 lb. 10 oz. Their heart rates were 147 and 153 beats per minute. When the scan began, Baby A was breech, or sitting down on my cervix, facing to my right, with her head resting on her placenta like a pillow. Baby B was vertex, facing left. We could see B kicking A in the head every so often. But after the echo was completed, while no one was looking at the belly, B flipped over, so that she was breech, too, and spooning with her sister! It was pretty funny seeing them sitting like that, one sitting between the other's legs! They both have large pockets of fluid around them, and still plenty of room to move around.

I asked Lynne to measure my fundus for me, which is the distance from your pelvic bone to the top of your uterus, which she located right up and under my ribs. It measured 33cm, which translates to 33 weeks along, or about two weeks into the eighth month, if I was pregnant with a singleton! That goes to show you how big I am!

Dr. Lu, the OB, did talk to me about the excessive BHs. He said that it can simple be an "irritable uterus". He suggested I take 600 mg of ibuprofin to help relax my uterus next time I have a series of many contractions in an hour. I can take ibuprofin now until my 32nd week. After that, it can impair blood flow in the fetus. I asked him why they say pregnant women can't take it during pregnancy, and he said for that reason. It is just easier to say "not at all" then to explain the specific conditions allowing for its use. There also exists a prescription drug called "vistaril" which is also used to calm the uterus. It can also help with anxiety and be a sleep aid during pregnancy. It is an "old time" drug, as Lynne described it.

Dr. Lu thinks it is just the extra weight I have in there, now, plus it being my second pregnancy, that is causing these BHs. Lynne says that if I get another 4-6 in an hour, I need to make sure I hydrate (drink two glasses of water) then lay on my left side for an hour. If after that, I still get them at that rate of frequency, I need to call so I can be reevaluated. She said that perhaps I'm one of those women whose threshold per hour really should be 6-8. But that would have to be decided after an evaluation that the BHs are not causing any changes to me physically.

I go back in three weeks for my next scan and doctor's visit. I will also be doing the glucose screen, which is a test for gestational diabetes. I hope I pass the test.

Here are some pics from the scan, a pic of me taken Monday at 24w0d, and a diagram showing how vertex twins look at 24 weeks. Please click to enlarge:

Update to PTL Post

The nurse finally called around 5:30pm. About the same time as our financial planner arrived for a meeting, the mailman rang the bell to drop off a package, me in the bathroom and Tim running around the house like a madman trying to take care of everything!!!

So I described what was happening and she asked when I was expected back in for my next visit. I told her this Wednesday afternoon. (That is to be our fetal echocardiogram with Dr. Rajan and an office visit.) So she said to make sure I keep drinking plenty of liquids, do not do any housework or anything at all, basically stay off my feet until Wednesday. If anything changes drastically, I am to call immediately to be reevaluated.

After my last post, I had six in an hour, then four, then three, then none for an hour and a half. That was twenty minutes ago. So hopefully the storm has passed and all will be well.

Next post will be after the fetal echo. I should get some more ultrasound pics! And a new belly pic for tonight.

Pre-term Labor (PTL) at 24 weeks

According to the March of Dimes web site, preterm labor happens in 1 out of 8 births. Women who are carrying multiples are at higher risk for PTL than other women. Symptoms include contractions less than ten minutes apart (or 6-7 in an hour), low back pain, cramping, among other things.

Today I am experiencing some symptoms of PTL. This is not a good feeling. This is the background:

Sunday morning, I noticed I had three Braxton Hicks (BH) contractions (Cx) in an hour, and I was just sitting at the table enjoying some banana bread, decaf coffee and the newspaper. I maybe had one an hour, at most, the rest of the day. Probably less.

This morning, I had about five in an hour. Then I sat at the desk and didn't get any for over an hour. Then I got two in quick succession, and my low back started aching a little. Since I was tired I went back to bed. I had drunk about 32 ounces of water by this point, so I wasn't dehydrated and wasn't working hard on something.

After my 2-1/2 hour nap, I got up. While I was standing in the closet getting dressed, I got a BH. When I squatted to get something out of a bottom drawer, I felt a twinge in the area of my cervix. When I went to make lunch, I noticed I got them nearly every time I stood up. And when I went to the bathroom, (sorry, TMI) it went from at first very hard to soft. So I was worried that maybe I was heading into the diarrhea range later... which would be a third symptom of PTL. But I did make black beans and rice for dinner last night which could also account for that, lol.

So I am on my own enforced couch rest. Which sucks because I had a few things I really wanted to do today. But I am worried, and monitoring my Cx on the PC. They've gone from 17 mins, to 23 mins and now 35 mins apart. I called and left a message for the OB nurse. Just to talk it over with someone. I wonder why they are hitting me so hard today?

Although Tim and I try to remain positive about this pregnancy, we HAVE lost our innocence. We know that just because you are pregnant, does not mean you get to take home a baby (or two). If I go into full blown early labor, the babies today, at 24 weeks, have a 50% chance or so for survival. But they will definitely have developmental issues and physical issues like possible hearing loss or blindness to contend with.

Not one woman I know who has suffered a loss feels full blown excitement about being pregnant again. Not one. I am related to two other women who are also currently expecting (we are all due within months of each other) after a loss. I can guess that they, too, are not 100% sure they will have a baby to bring home, no matter how far along they get. This is our reality; we don't expect you to understand it, but we do hope you will respect our feelings in this regard.

So now my Cx are 16 minutes apart again...

I will update the blog later to keep you all posted. When I was worried, I took a peak outside the front window and saw some light flurries falling, which was not in the forecast today. And I knew it was Thomas reassuring me that all would be well. He is such a good boy.

Oh, here is my belly picture I took last week at 23 weeks:

5th Ultrasound - 21w1d

I am finally getting around to posting pics from the 5th ultrasound I had which was on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving when I was 21 weeks and 1 day (21w1d). They double checked the full anatomy of each baby during the ultrasound scan. I also had the tech confirm they were girls, and there was no doubt! The babies had doubled in size from the previous scan, four weeks earlier. Baby A weighed 1 lb. 1 oz. and Baby B weighed 1 lb. 0 oz. which are both very good. Usually Baby B is larger than Baby A because Baby A is getting squashed and B has more room! Their heart rates were 141 and 147 beats per minute, respectively.

I also had a doctor's visit. My blood pressure is still nice and low, and I am finally starting to gain weight. My cervix was long and tight, which is always good news in a twin pregnancy.

I'm hoping you can click on this to enlarge it, but I'm not sure. Here is my latest collection of ultrasound pics and belly shot. Plus a neat diagram showing how babies look in the uterus at 20 weeks.

Soldiers in Afghanistan

My friend Christina, who named a star after Thomas for us and also has twin girls, has a brother in Afghanistan. Last month, I asked her if I could send some care packages to him that he could share with his fellow soldiers who do not get anything at all. She asked him and he said he would do that, especially since moral is really low right now in Afghanistan.

So I have been buying some things. I got some Christmas candy at the supermarket, some paperbacks and games at the thrift store, and some decorations, cards, toiletries, food items, etc. at the Dollar Store. I am going to make five care packages and send them along with a few other random items like homemade cookies and extra gifts.

And then today Tim and I got an email that the grandson of one of my golfing league ladies has just been killed in Afghanistan. He is the young marine from Kansas City, Nicholas Hand, who died Sunday. How incredibly sad for his parents and grandparents and the rest of his family.

So when you count your blessings this Thanksgiving, please include your thanks for the soldiers who serve our country. And say prayers for their families who must worry tremendously about them, just like Christina worries for her brother.

Thank you.

Tim's big five-oh!

Today is my husband Tim's fiftieth birthday! So I thought I'd post a handsome picture of him with some balloons in honor of this special day.

Last night we celebrated with dinner out at Justus Drugstore, our new favorite restaurant. This morning he opened up his gifts from his mom which arrived Saturday. (I had made him wait!) We got our first snowfall today, a little icy sleet, and now it is raining. But I have a little something special for him planned tonight. Shhh!

Happy birthday, sweetie! xoxoxo